It’s Not You. It’s Me.

According to extensive research (and by that I mean a quick Google search) the average relationship now lasts just 2 years and 9 months.

The relationship I write to you about today is coming up to its 5 year point. It’s the longest relationship I’ve EVER had. And boy, am I getting an itch.

I’m bored, uninspired and, to be frank, at times I’m just plain dis-engaged. It’s awful isn’t? I know I’m extremely lucky and should be grateful but I can’t hide it anymore – I’ve fallen out of love with my job.

So how did I get here? It all started so well! After graduating, I spent a couple of years of muddling about in various jobs, getting a startling taste of the ‘working world’ (and trust me it was startling after the gentle ride that was University) & spending hours upon hours on job applications. Eventually I landed on my feet with a job offer for a highly sought after Graduate Scheme at a large, successful Company.

Fast forward to the present day and I’d like to blame said Company for the situation I find myself in. It’s safe to say it’s been a turbulent couple of years of change… I’m constantly asked to deliver things that are completely new to me, I’ve seen valued colleagues come and go, and I’ve had a couple of shocking bosses (I’ve also had a couple of awesome ones) along the way.

Whilst brilliant tools, the work laptop and mobile now bring along with them an expectation of constant availability. Add to that the fact that my job role seems to get more confusing on a daily basis, with a never-ending  list of accountabilities. Hellooo pressure and the crippling anxiety that comes along with it!

But I have to hold my hands up. It’s not them, it’s me.

I sought out the stress with my undeterred ambition from day 1. I saw that golden ladder available to those lucky few in the business that came through a fast-track scheme and my god did I climb. Very much to the detriment of my social life (but that’s a story for another blog).

In hindsight, I can see it was too much too soon. The panic, irrational or not, of feeling out of my depth, alongside the uncertainty that the industry I work in is currently facing, literally keeps me up at night. Too often that stomach churning Sunday dread rolls right through to Friday.

The fact is I spent so much time focused on ‘doing the do’, that I didn’t think to engage with the fantastic tools and people around me. Personal development was bottom of the list. It just wasn’t sustainable.

Over the last year I have felt myself transforming into the very same ‘no’ person I disliked so much when I first joined the company. I can literally feel my negativity and lack of confidence manifesting in my daily interactions and I absolutely hate it.

This is not who I am. This is not what I want from a job.

So what should I do?

If I’m being completely honest I’ve not been happy for a little while now. But fear has been holding me back. That thought of ‘better the devil you know’ and mental note to self that ‘no one can love a job all the time’ have been sticky plaster excuses, keeping me firmly within my comfort zone.

The reality is I’m scared. My CV – where do I start? And LinkedIn – shit what’s my password again!? What if I’m not good enough? And worse than that – what if, by some miracle, I do get an interview and they laugh me out of the room!?

I absolutely recognise I’m being irrational. I know I need to overcome my fear and writing this blog is Part 1 of my task. Part 2? Shake off those cobwebs and get myself an interview. I’ll keep you updated on that one!

So what do you think? Am I just being an impatient ‘millennial’? Maybe you are going through something similar? Or do you have any tips you’d like to share? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences 🙂

6 thoughts on “It’s Not You. It’s Me.

  1. Hi! Well I think the millennial part is true 😄 but if you’re truly not happy you should definitely do something about and that something is indeed taking the first step. I get the whole “linked in drama” not a big fan either but you know what so what if there are some who don’t think you good enough there will be some who think you are. After all you’re 5 years richer! Put yourself out there let people see what you’ve got! Don’t make it so hard on yourself one step at a time😉

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  2. Yes, I know what you mean. I’m right there with you. However, my situation is quite the opposite – I’m bored with my job. There are no challenges. It makes me lazier and lazier every day, which makes me sad. But then again, I tried, and the application process is so annoying. And who the heck has hours upon hours to spend on promoting themselves on LinkedIn? If I was an employer, I wouldn’t want to hire someone who spends all day on that platform. When do they have time to work?

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  3. I definitely know the feeling of being in an unsustainable job and feeling the constant stress of it. Knowing what I know now, I would have changed jobs earlier to allow me to focus on my health and seeing more of my friends and family to have avoided burn out but hind sight is a wonderful thing!

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  4. I did not see that coming after the title and the intro to the post. Now, I don’t know much but at the risk of sounding real cheesy, do what your heart says:
    Take a few deep breaths.
    Sit alone, in a quiet room.
    Flip a coin.
    And as it’s up there in that air, listen to the voice in your head. What does it say? Heads or tails?
    I think never losing sight of what’s really important is essential.
    But then again, what do I know?

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  5. Love it. You had me there at the beginning. I was thinking hope her partner doesn’t read this. Ha ha great start. great style of writing.

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  6. I LOVE YOU BLOG, SO MUCH SO I HAVE NOMINATED YOU FOR THE https://UMA197.WORDPRESS.

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